There was no we, but he knew better than to voice that to her. She was nothing if not fantastically stubborn – and if he intimated he had no intention of making it out of here, she would doubtless linger and do her best to die beside him. The best chance of getting her out of here in one piece was to get her to the edge of the anti-apparition barrier and have the emergency respondents pull her out while he headed back in before she could stop him.
She wasn’t the only one he had on the line today, but everyone else was on the far side of the carnage and the things he would have to do to cross the blood lands was not a side of him he needed her seeing. So he reached out and grabbed her hand grimly, marching toward the edge of the line and stopping once they had reached some cover.
“There’s no winning this,” It was less a reflection on the fact the Ministry’s lack of response time was leaving this village to be crushed and more a whole awareness that this entire fucking fight was pointless. The violence was senseless, there was no use for any of it. Blood was cloying to his nostrils, caking against his skin and for what? So some purebloods could claim they did their part to cleanse the wizarding world? Fucking please.
“You alright?” He asked, peering around the edge to make certain they were still in the clear.
“Then go and do not linger at my door any longer,” Severus replied, his lips twisting against the raging grief that swelled within him. There was no denying the truth in her words, no good that could come of their continued acquaintance. He was to her what his father had been to his mother – a dark, overbearing force that smothered all hope of light, extinguished good piece by piece until even breath came ragged and death was a blessed reprieve Eileen had welcomed the escape death brought her, and he would be damned before he became the man that pushed Lily Evans to the same exhaustion, the same husk of what once was so blinding and pure. “The dark is no place for the light to flourish.”
If there is any aspect of Severus Snape that could be
described as elegant, it would be his
hands. While on their own they are not overly remarkable – his fingers too long
and tapered for traditional standards of masculinity, his knuckles too pronounced
for good health – it is the way he controls them and keeps them steady that
draws one’s eye toward them favorably.
Over the years his hands have acquired many small scars as a
result of accidents while preparing potions ingredients, be it from knife or by
flame. Some he gained from fighting, though these tend to concentrate
themselves around his knuckles the most. His left fingers have slightly
elevated nail beds in comparison to his right as a result of overcompensated
regrowth after an – unfortunate –
incident in the first war he’s unlikely to ever discuss, and the inside of his
right palm bears a scar from a blood pact that took place prior to the
acquisition of his Dark Mark.
By the time he is in his thirties, Severus will have
developed early arthritic symptoms in both of his hands. A result of childhood
malnourishment, broken bones and frequent nerve related abuse in adulthood, he
massages a tonic into them daily and works to hold them steady – it is a conscious
effort for him even at that young age to keep his hands functional. It is not
uncommon to see him ball his hand into a fist and release it several times
before taking to any potions prep actions, and to pause in order to wash his
hands in warm to hot water, as it tends to be the fastest means of easing the
ache.
He passes these actions off as keeping all ingredients clear
of cross contamination, but an attentive mind ( or a familiar one ) will likely
notice that his hands are frequently hidden out of sight when they aren’t
working, and that he seems to favor them. As they are very much a part of his livelihood,
Severus holds considerable value in their care and is often ensuring that they
are warm and medicated so as not to lose control over them.
After the incident with Nagini, this problem is badly
exacerbated. He suffers partial paralysis on his right side, which has resulted
in his need for a cane. He struggles with feeling in his right hand, while his
left is often gnarled and cramped as a result of the weight he often has to
place upon it when using his cane correctly. When he is well rested and strong
of mind and body, Severus cheats his limp by hovering slightly above the ground
and essentially flying everywhere. This is incredibly taxing to do, but it has
helped him hide the extent of his injuries and likely, has kept his hands from
worsening far faster. It is likely he will be forced to retire early for a wizard,
if only because his hands will not longer be capable of performing the tasks
necessary of him within DoIS.
His mask had been lost in the fight, but he had managed to keep his face hidden thanks to his scarf. Things had escalated so quickly, there had been little to do beyond fight and keep himself alive. He lost track of even that much when Destin went down – and now he had to face the consequences of his choices in a new light.
It had made sense at the time, to follow the crowd and try to carve out a name for himself by staying among the proud Slytherin purebloods that had deigned to accept him despite his lower status as a halfblood. When it had become clear the only thing he would be carving was a path of destruction through the lives of innocent people – staying alive and protecting the ones he cared about had mattered more than finding a means to liberation.
Now he had to reconsider. Destin was dead, Lucas was absolutely terrifying about it, and Severus had just helped him and Eric dispose of a body like that was a normal habit. With the airs his friends put off, he feared that if it wasn’t – it certainly would be.
And now this. The pending attack on the Ministry had his heart hammering in his chest – he’d barely made it through the preliminary round and now he was expected to take on the aurors tonight. Worse, he knew who the primary targets were – and he knew there was no way he could allow things to pan out the way they were headed.
Dropping his scarf not long after he had apparated into her neighborhood, Severus hurried down the street with his guard up. Visiting her now could prove dangerous – but he could not afford to have her show up to the Ministry tonight. If he could convince her off, then maybe he could convince himself to keep walking this dreadful tightrope. If he couldn’t – if he couldn’t –
His fist raised, rapping sharply at her door. He didn’t know. He didn’t know what he would do if Lily wouldn’t listen. What he would say to keep her home – what it would cost to protect her. He didn’t know, but with Destin’s unseeing eyes still staring up at him in his mind’s eye, Severus knew one way or another he had to try.
Despite the squeeze, disappointment made her smile fall for a second as she said, “Oh.” Just as quick, she perked up again with a little laugh and a smile. “Well, I’m not worried about that. It can’t be hard to find a tower —you just go to the highest point!” Very clever, she thought herself. “I thought maybe I could go with you for a little while. They can’t expect us to go to bed right away, we’re not children,” she said with a little shake of her head, “and any way, I couldn’t sleep a wink, I’m so excited.”
Plus, it was daunting. Her first night away from her family, surrounded by people she didn’t know, and without even a proper word with her best friend to help her process all the wondrous things of the castle so far. She needed the reassurance Sev’s steadiness always brought; his surety in everything that would happen. That he’d been wrong about their houses didn’t bother her for a minute; he wasn’t perfect, after all, and it wasn’t like it mattered!
Then she wavered again; perhaps, lacking such qualms himself, he didn’t want to be bogged down with having her around. He was bound to make loads of new friends, and maybe he was afraid she’d get in the way. Smile fading, a fragile, vulnerable look came into her eyes as she squeezed his hand back. “Please?”
Severus was uncertain – this wasn’t uncommon though. Lily was always so much more open about her feelings, and as much as he wanted to run off with her and explore the castle, he was legitimately terrified of the repercussions. What if they got in trouble? Worse, what if they got suspended? On the very first day.
Old Toby would have his head on a platter so fast his mom wouldn’t stand a chance at stopping it. Nevermind he would never be able to live down that kind of reputation once it had been earned. Lily would probably turn it into a positive – there was nothing she couldn’t make into a good experience, really – but he just didn’t have that same skill.
His silence must have lingered too long – or she was a lot more nervous than he ever could have imagined, because there was something in her voice that had him looking up and realizing the moment he had done so that he was sunk.
“Alright – but only for a little bit. I don’t want us to get into trouble. And I think there’s passwords.” He heard something about that on the way out of the Great Hall. Looking toward where the last of the Slytherins were headed, he debated for a moment before taking Lily’s hand in his – if they headed upwards nobody would question it – there were two houses on the upper levels, and they didn’t have their house colors yet. If worse came to worse, they could just say they got lost.
“Come on – mom said the library’s somewhere on the second floor – let’s see if we can find that. If we can get hold of Hogwarts: A History, we can get an idea of the castle’s layout from the map on the back, and figure out where things are.” Which they could absolutely do tomorrow but – well, he wasn’t going to say no when Lily seemed nervous. That was no way for a friend to act!
“Severus!” Breaking away from the pack of first years following the prefect away from the Great Hall, she waved to her best friend, scurrying over to where the clump of new Slytherins were standing. Stopping just short of flinging her arms around him in an excited hug, Lily bounced in place. “Can you believe it? We’re here!”
Severus had been trying to ignore the cold weight that had settled into his stomach ever since Lily had been sorted into Gryffindor – certain that this would be it for them now.
And then he heard her – and at first he was surprised, before he remembered she didn’t know this wasn’t really – normal. Slytherins and Gryffindors didn’t tend to mix, and the stares on them had him feeling very on edge.
Honestly, it was her bounce that broke him.
His dour expression lifted a little, a small smile lighting his features as he replied, “Never a doubt, honestly!” He’d known for sure – he just hadn’t stopped to think about houses. “You better catch up with your housemates – I think Gryffindor is in one of the towers.” He’d feel awful if she ended up lost on the first day – and honestly, he didn’t want to be locked out either.
After some hesitation, he reached out and gave her hand a quick squeeze to let her know they were both alright, and promised, “We can meet up at breakfast – maybe we have classes together!”
CHARACTER IN GENERAL: I have honestly always been very neutral regarding Lily, and I blame this entirely on the fact that Severus was my first ever canon muse, and long before his connection to her was revealed. He always bitched about James but never talked about Lily, so all we really knew about her came from Petunia and Remus. As more came out I liked how strong-headed she seemed but was also super confused how she ended up with a guy she openly disliked so intensely?
And then I was so busy fending off Snily shippers and Anti-Snily’s that I kind of. Lost the ability to See Past Bullshit, and she just ended up a character I had no deep intense feelings for one way or another. I knew her role in Severus’ story and it was an integral part that was Always There no matter what verse, no matter what world I put him in. But Lily herself was – not someone I put a ton of thought into. HOW THEY PLAY THEM: AND THEN YOU HAPPENED. Literally, you bring Lily so much life that I get excited reading about her, learning about her, and having Severus interact with her. She’s not an Important Background Mention anymore, she’s someone I can plot around and with, someone who I like having around Severus, and someone who is just overall a joy to read. THE MUN: Literally the first person in the fandom I got the guts to speak to, and honestly, such a warm and welcoming person?? It’s very easy to just chat about anything, and get excited without feeling like a nerd about it <<;
DO I;
FOLLOW THEM: Obviously. RP WITH THEM: YES! Though I owe things, cause Im slow af. WANT TO RP WITH THEM: Always. I could not resist. SHIP THEIR CHARACTER WITH MINE: BFF’s for life.
WHAT IS MY;
OVERALL OPINION:
**Note: Mun’s answer are all to be completely honest. Don’t send url if you don’t want brutal honesty.
“Well, that,” Severus admitted, still eyeing the heap of ashes that had once been a very tall, very old tree. “Just – smaller and more contained. I clearly need to fine tune the formula.”
I have so many feelings on this that are so conflicting that I actually cannot believe I have a mun icon that captures my intense levels of ???? on this front.
TL; DR: Give me all the platonic Severus and Lily in the world, because I live for it. Romance, however, is not a very likely scenario unless you are into Toxic Ships™
which, uh, Im one of those fluffy bunnies on the tumblr who nopes out hard on a lot of toxicity, so it’s all a no go here.
What I headcanon:
Severus learning how to smile between ages 7 – 11 because Lily is such a warm and exhilarating presence in his life. Adventures in coming to understand magic, in building friendships, sharing stories and just general platonic kids shit.
Severus spending a week at Lily’s place in the summer between first and second year because Tobias was in a dangerous mood and Eileen had burned the bridge with her father so hard there was no safe place to deposit Severus at the time. He would have been home alone otherwise.
Lily naturally drawing away from Severus at school. She’s gone from surviving on his stories to being utterly surrounded by magic and people who know just as much and more as he does. She’s charming, charismatic, brilliant and adaptable. She’s from a relatively healthy home. She makes friends easily, she’s a Gryffindor – she doesn’t need Severus, but he was her introduction to magic so despite their house differences, she stays his friend.
It’s – different for Severus. He’s destitute, twitchy and defensive, he hides behind sarcasm or deathly silence, he’s not overly likable and while his grades are good, his terse attitude doesn’t win him any friends among the teachers. Eric Avery took him under wing, and through Eric, Severus had a good rapport with his Slytherin dormmates, but there was always an overarching sense of debt in play. He relies on them and hates himself for it. With Lily, he can just be himself, because she knows he’s nothing and accepts him anyway; with the Slytherins he tries to sell something he isn’t and it gets tiring. He needs her in ways she just doesn’t need him.
He didn’t know if he loved her, in the way James wanted her. He just felt he could do better by her, as a man with nothing but the deepest admiration for her, than a man with everything who seemed to see her as another trophy to be won.
But she was important. He loved her, as a friend, with all his heart and soul. She made him question things, she kept him in the light. He always needed her, and it galled him. He swore he would never see her by blood, and he never forgave what he said to her when she tried to stand for him in front of so many other students. All he had in his life was his word and he broke it. This is why he didn’t push her. Why he didn’t beg her to listen, why he didn’t grovel for her forgiveness. He didn’t feel he deserved it, he didn’t want it, but desperation made him try, just once, anyway. When that was turned down he made no efforts to reach out to her again.
He didn’t reach out to her when his mother died. He didn’t reach out to anyone. It was Slytherin, it was his dormmates who kept him alive and in the end he faced a choice in his common room when someone else used a slur in regard to her. This choice is where AU’s are born – when he is asked to choose between the mudblood who left him and the brotherhood in front of him.
Canonly, he chose those still with him, because it was the smart thing to do. AU’s vary from this point though. But there was a debt – a literal life debt – forged between Severus and his dormmates, that Lily never knew of. That Dumbledore either did not know of or did not give a damn about. But Severus never burdened Lily again after that – and honestly, it is hard for me to see him allowing himself to do so. Nobody punishes Severus Snape like Severus Snape.
What I expect, based on how I portray Severus:
Let’s say in some AU world, Lily lives. If she came to him, he would not turn her away. He would do everything in his power to support her, everything in his power to give her everything she could possibly need. He would serve and cater to her every whim and be grateful to be allowed to do so. This is not healthy, at all. Severus is literally taking after his mother in a dangerous way, in his desperation not to make Another Mistake, in his desperation to be Worthy Of This Second Chance. I would never let this go down a romantic road, nuh-uh. The power dynamic is way to skewed, and I just – whoo. I just can’t do that kind of toxicity in my escape from reality, you feel me? Not to mention, we really cannot overlook the fact he did everything he could to spare HER, and nothing at all for James or Harry – and that, while he grows past it and eventually sees how abjectly horrific that is – I. Can’t ignore that is a defined truth, and even Severus would be forced to acknowledge his own nastiness there through extended exposure to Harry. To a baby he did nothing for. Guilt pie in mountainous droves does not a good romance make.
BUT! What about an AU where Severus never calls Lily a mudblood? Well there would still be struggles. Severus is still close to three men about to fall to the Dark Lord, so there’s a lot of – push and pull here. But again – Severus needs Lily – and she does not, in turn, need him all that much. I can see a lot of AU’s stemming from this, but at the end of the day Severus will always see Lily through rose tinted glasses. She is always vaulted, and he will always care for her – but her inability to do any wrong just. Again, it’s the makings of Eileen and Tobias all over again, in the cycle of Lily can say and do anything she likes and Severus will either take it, or bite back and instantly grovel. And, again, just no in a romance? But I can – see Severus learning to outgrow this as a friend – and I can see their friendship finding an equal level in AU’s from this point of divergence. I just can’t see a romance working right.
Leaving the teapot to heat, Lily pursed her lips as she looked him over. He was right; without the blood, he looked better. Or at least looked more like himself. Fretting alleviate for a moment, she pressed a damp flannel to his eye. “There’s ice in there,” she told him, “so hold it there until the swelling goes down.” Letting out the breath she’d been holding, she was almost able to properly return his smile, but it was wobbly and less certain than his. Having had worse was a terrible excuse in her mind. Just because he could survive beatings didn’t make him having to any more bearable.
“Have you eaten today even? Do you feel up to it?” Food was her second coping mechanism for people in distress after holding them tight and trying to comfort the problem away. Considering how Severus had reacted to her earlier touch, she wasn’t certain that was a viable path at the moment.
Severus managed to battle down anything even remotely resembling a wince as cold cloth came into contact with his bruised eye, having little wish to reveal any further vulnerability when it was his role at the moment to keep himself together. It would hardly do anyone any good for him to fall apart now – and frankly he knew if he withered himself further, he may reveal too much.
Gripping the ice-filled flannel lightly, he kept it pressed up obediently as he eyed her, resisting the urge to flick a grin her way when she brought up food. He knew better than to reject or tease at this point and simply replied, “I imagine I could do with something light.” He wouldn’t be able to stomach anything too heavy, but he ought to be alright otherwise, and it might help Lly to relax a little. Honestly it wasn’t really so bad.
Severely Archived 