“I am having a difficult time telling if this is you being incredibly ironic, or if there was something more than butterbeer in your mug,” Severus eyed Lily with something bordering between amusement and concern – infectious though her awe could sometimes be, it was just Diagon Alley after all.
“God has nothing to do with it,” Severus pointed out, rather amused as he looked over at her, “If he did this would not be our classroom experience.” If religious scripture was to b believed at least, ghosts were meant to be seen only to herald the apocalypse. “Then again maybe you’re right,” He flopped his head back, noting that Binns was still droning on and completely unaware that two of his students were chatting.
Nevermind the ones actively napping.
“Maybe the end really is coming. This is it – we all perish of boredom and become eternal students trapped in the droning void…” Oh yeah.
“Oh no – no you don’t – you do not get to die, not today!” Severus bowed over her fallen form, his wand already at work as he frantically scoured the grime from her flesh so that he could seal the wound. “Just hang on – come on, fight it! I know you’re tired, but just keep talking. Anything – tell me anything – but don’t you dare give up.”
She had a wedding to go to, a life to plan – it couldn’t end like this, on some pointless raid, some meaningless battle that did nothing more than fuel the ego of a single megalomaniac sparking fires in the hearts of prejudiced fools. She was Lily Evans – soon to be Lily Potter – and she was the brightest, stubbornest, most fantastic witch he knew. There was no way she would just give it all up. She had to fight – and if she couldn’t, then he’d fight for her.
Temporary mortification at Lily’s sudden entry froze him before his brain kicked into gear and he snapped up his wand to summon a shirt, remarking briskly, “Knocking generally helps avoid things like this you know,” It was strange that she hadn’t knocked, come to think of it. Frowning as he tugged the shirt on, Severus eyed her, “Everything alright?”
He wasn’t fine, but she expected him to say he was. Stubborn, proud, determined to stand on his own and not need help, of course he’d insist he was fine, even as blood dripped into his eyes, even as his hands were stained red with it. Where was all this blood from? How terrible an accident it must have been, even for him, so used to brewing accidents, to be this shaken. She hadn’t heard of anything, but the MLE could be secretive and had been occupied with with the attack they had interrupted.
Stepping back from him, Lily forced her hands to her side. Agitated like this, her fussing and concern would only make it worse for him. She knew him well enough to be able to tell that. Instead Lily nodded, licking her lips. “All right. I’ll, I’ll make some tea, and get the bruise balm out. Clean up and then I’ll help you apply it.” She couldn’t leave him alone completely; that thrumming concern would never allow her. Even that restraint couldn’t last too long, her hand shifting to touch lightly at his arm. Then it fell away again with a soft sigh as she left him to clean up.
“You’re too good to me, you know that?” The words fell from smiling lips that belied the hollowness inside of him, the crippling awareness of how deeply true the seemingly lighthearted statement actually was. If she knew the truth – she’d never forgive him. Nor would he want her to.
He didn’t pull back when she reached out this time – unwilling to hurt her even as he swallowed down on his own painful realizations. There was no way out – no way that wouldn’t put him in a position of abject uselessness to all parties that mattered. So long as he stood loyal to the fold, he could fight beside his friends and be their shield. So long as he hid among the wolves, he could continue to warn the sheep from time to time. An anonymous tip there, a whispered word or camouflaged missive. It wasn’t much of a balance to the crimes, but it was at least something.
And by god, it kept him alive.
Washing up briskly, Severus watched the water run red, then clear, knowing he could banish it and yet, needing to acknowledge the stain on himself. The depth of his own ruin in red, as it were. He did take the time to spell his clothes clean once his hands were washed and do the same with his face, not much care toward the physical evidence of the struggle. He had deserved these blows and he would bear them properly.
Joining Lily in the kitchen, he offered her a slight smile as he took a seat and remarked, “See? Not so bad once it’s all cleared up. You know I’ve had worse,” He reminded the woman gently, hoping that it would ease her concerns a bit.
Drawing himself hazily out of his calculations, Severus glanced at Lily before shifting back to look at the window. He had thought it was getting a bit bright – and sure enough, the day was well on it’s way into afternoon after another all-nighter. He couldn’t remember having eaten anything since she’d headed off the night before either, causing him to rub his face with his hands and sigh. The last thing he wanted was to create a larger burden of stress for her.
“I’m sorry – you know how I’d get when I was on to something at Hogwarts?” It had been years since they’d been that close, but he doubted she had forgotten his manic focus back then. “Never grew out of it I’m afraid.” Stritching, he got up and rubbed the back of his neck, “I’ll grab something to eat, take a nap and be right as rain. Sound good?” He asked, hoping that by complying without a fuss, she might relax a little.
Of all the people to walk in on him after that damned fiasco masquerading itself as a ‘raid’ – Lily was the one person he truly wished it hadn’t been. She had seen him in the wake of rows with his dad so many times, but this was different. She’d never seen him after a wizarding brawl and she had certainly never seen him with his hands stained from another man’s blood.
The cuts and bruises on his face were well earned, the final acts of a desperate man. Her hands weren’t a balm this time, their soft and familiar care scalding his conscience enough that he reared away from her and held his hands up, red as they were, to stave her off.
“I’m fine Lily,” The words were rough, because he didn’t feel fine. Thinking back on that fight, on his own viciousness, he felt dangerously out of place beside her. He’d enjoyed that battle, and though the screams of innocent bystanders had tormented his ears he had survived the raid as he had each one before it, by maintaining his focus on the one person in it that he could hurt. An auror with a truly wicked temper, a sadistic tendency he used his position as a camoflauge for. He’d have made a great Death Eater, with his sick personality.
Severus didn’t regret killing him. Damn his hands, he had relished it. And now, now Lily was standing there, worried over him. The grim survivor of a raid gone wrong – horribly, horribly wrong. He didn’t even know who all was dead. The Dark Lord would call for them tonight, and they’d all pay for mucking this one up. Severus would get a good brunt of it, for ignoring damage control the way he had. He’d give them an impossible task to prove themselves, presuming he didn’t wipe them off the playing field.
Talk about your high risk, no benefit occupations. Death Eater was not an option he would recommend to anyone with a brain, that was for sure. Ah, but then again hindsight did have a propensity for being perfect.
“There was an accident at work,” He wasn’t technically lying; he did see being a Death Eater as more of a job than an act of loyalty at this point. A means to continued survival, and all that fun. “Jones got hurt pretty bad,” That, at least, would explain the blood on his hands. In truth, he was pretty certain Jones was dead. “Just – give me a minute to clean up, yeah? I promise – I’m okay.” His voice was low, reassuring and firm to keep her from worrying. The last thing he deserved at this moment was her concern.
Severus didn’t say a word as Lily cleared off the blood seeping down his cheek. He sat so still one might have thought he’d been petrified, only the fury in his gaze as he stared at his own wand giving any sign that he was even presently aware of what was going on. His grip was white knuckled and his jaw was tight, but all the words he wanted to spit were locked firmly between his teeth.
Summer was almost over. Soon they’d be going back to Hogwarts and they’d never talk about this. It was safe, right now, sitting on this porch as Lily dabbed some stinging muggle concoction to the cut to acknowledge what he didn’t dare to say at home.
“I could have, you know. Blasted him right through the damn wall – who cares if I’m underage, it’s self defense right? I don’t get why she won’t. I just – I don’t get it. He’s just a Muggle – “ He stopped, remembering how just beyond that door were two quite decent Muggles who happened to be the parents of his very first and absolute best friend. Shaking his head, he looked at her and rephrased, “When you have the power to stop something and you don’t – doesn’t that make you just as bad? I can stop him – with this, I could stop him for good,” He held up his wand, then settled it down again and sighed, asking her the question he had asked himself – of himself and his mother both – so many damn times since he’d first started school.
Was that her attempt to be funny? It was difficult to tell if she was mocking him – though Severus didn’t think her to be the type for such petty endeavors, it had been years since they had last spoken to one another. That she would find him here with a bottle in hand looking as disgusted by it’s existence as he felt with his own felt somehow karmic. As though she deserved to see for herself how far he had fallen since that fateful day when he’d lashed out at her to defend the tattered remnants of his own pride.
“Oh yeah,” The words tasted as bitter as his drink, “Sure.” He didn’t add anything bitingly sarcastic, opting instead to just leave it at that. If she was mocking him – which he did doubt – then she was welcome to leave content in the knowledge that whatever he was drinking for, it wasn’t because things were going well. And if she wasn’t – well, far be it from he to lash out at her twice in one lifetime.
Instead he lifted his bottle with something like an old respect and inclined his head, before returning his attention again to the bustle of the town outside the window, letting himself return to his own thoughts as though she had never interrupted them, but for one parting remark that was as genuine as he dared make it. “I hope you have too.”
“Well I wouldn’t say never – I mean, unless you want to keep it this way.” His friends were saucy bastards, sure, but they’d never attack without provocation. Sure Lily was a Muggleborn and Eric was a bit of an ass about that, but he could learn to keep his mouth shut. Right?
It just felt weird keeping his oldest friend a secret because of a house rivalry and. Something that couldn’t be helped. It wasn’t her fault she didn’t have wizarding parents. It wasn’t like she wasn’t doing better than half of them in class anyway, so why should it matter? If she could get over them being jerks then they could get over their own stupidity on her right to be here, far as he was concerned.
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