“You don’t have to worry, I’m not going to touch you.” ~indiscretus ( remus )

“I assure you, anything you start, I will most definitely finish,” Severus snarled, not even bothering to look up from his work in the kitchen. The resounding silence after their assigned council had left must have gotten to be too much for the wolf, if that was what he dared to start with.

It did not for a second occur to Severus that Remus, with all his Gryffindor goodness, was more than likely referring to the kind of things that typically occurred in a marriage. To his ears and understanding of unhappy spouses, all Remus had just done was assure him he would not strike out physically – and as far as Severus was concerned, the second Remus hit him was the second this marriage ended in blood.

He would be damned before he allowed anyone to turn him into his mother. Love her though he did, he knew her weakness and he would not be prey to the same mistakes. If Remus came at him the way James and Sirius did, only under the guise of having the right as his husband, Severus would kill him. He would not hesitate. He would tear the son of a bitch apart, and the intent was clear in the sheer viciousness laced within his tone as he continued, “I would advise you to not delude yourself. Marriage law or not, I will not hesitate to dispose of you if you think you can use this clause against me in any form. I am not your servant, nor a prop your anger management. If that is all, you might as well unpack. I have nothing more to say to you unless you have further insights into what you think this marriage will look like.”

@indiscretus

“I had a dream I was mugged outside your house.” ( indiscretus | harry )

{ Sam Smith Starters }

Severus glanced over at the fledgling auror walking alongside him as though he wasn’t certain the man was even talking to him. For a good moment, he was baffled enough that he really had no response to offer, but in the end he settled for something almost resembling humor as he inquired, “Do you fear it was prophetic?”

It wasn’t as though Severus even lived in a house any longer – he had sold Spinners End some time after learning his name was clear, and had used the meager return to place down a few months rent in a small apartment, which he now afforded through his work with the Ministry. He had a moderate savings still from his years as a professor with little-to-no expenses, which had been used to furnish the place – he had wanted no reminders of the shackles he had finally been able to cut free of.

Still, it was curious that Potter would have such an unusual dream – and with Death Eaters still on the loose even two years after the Dark Lord’s fall it wasn’t entirely out of the question to consider it might have been sent to the man, so no sooner had he made his jest did Severus adjust his grip on his cane and add softly, “You may want to discuss it with your superiors, just in case.”

@indiscretus

Shadows of Memory

indiscretus:

~

Harry was struck by the similarity of what Snape said about the mind not being a book to what the older man he’d failed to learn from the year before. He almost wanted to smile, but strove to keep his expression neutral. As different as this younger Snape seemed, Harry couldn’t afford to simply trust that he didn’t share any of the unpleasant habits of his older counterpart.

Refusal wasn’t really an option, either- whether Snape offered it this time, or not. He had to learn this, one way or another. “It’s not- that I don’t want to learn. Or even that I’m concerned about learning from you-” though that was a big part of it, it was smarter not to say as much just now- “It’s just. Last year. When I was first supposed to be learning all this I sort of… Did. End up in your mind. And I saw things I wasn’t supposed to. You-” he? This man hasn’t exactly had a chance to become that Snape, yet. “were furious, to the point that you called off the lessons entirely and banished me from your office. I’d rather not have a repeat of that, and intentionally letting me inside your head sounds like a set up for exactly that.”

Harry held his breath after he came clean- honesty with Professor Snape was basically never a good idea. But he kept reminding himself that everything so far had shown that this was a very different person, and he almost dared to hope that this one wouldn’t turn out to be completely awful.

Severus frowned – proper teaching should have afforded Harry welcome within his mind, but if he was trying to teach through aggression that indicated that he must have thrown up some kind of block that diverted the initial attack. The resulting rebound would have cast Harry beyond any initial walls, but surely not deep enough to see anything worthy of the response being described now – not when Voldemort himself was peering through the younger man’s eyes.

“What in the world did you see?” Severus wondered aloud, trying to determine what could have warranted such a violent reaction, “Dumbledore is certainly aware of my crimes, but I suppose a student seeing such things could be traumatic. It would make more sense to send you to Dumbledore than to get angry with you over it though – besides,” Severus added wryly, “I doubt you saw anything like that, anyway. Honestly the more I hear about this older self of mine the less impressed I become.”

Shaking his head, Severus assured, “Anything I don’t want you seeing will be well protected. I have no intentions of coming at you as an aggressor – you’ll be learning occlumency much more passively, so there’s really nothing to be concerned about.” Meeting those green eyes squarely, despite how jarring it was to consider that they came from Lily’s genetics, Severus stated firmly, “I have no reason to care about the Dark Lord’s games now, so I can promise you I won’t stop teaching you until you’ve learned to keep him out. You have my word.” Which he didn’t give out lightly.

Trust Issues

indiscretus:

~

Harry grit his teeth- suddenly feeling a foolish for feeling even a little bit bad for Snape- though he couldn’t even feel settled in that because of the strangely serene tone the man used when he spoke. Just how many potions is he on right now?

“You’re wrong.” He probably won’t even remember this conversation, anyway- hopefully he won’t. “You’re one of my least favourite people, sure, but honestly I’d rather not have your death on my conscience, too- and no, the world doesn’t revolve around me, but one way or another everyone who’s died so far this time has been my fault, so it’s fair to assume you dying would be on me, too.” The git would probably come back as a ghost, just to blame me, anyway, whether I actually had anything to do with it or not.

“I’m not here to smother you. Not everyone has the moral compass of a Death Eater.” He glanced over the man, as if searching for any sign of the blood that had coated him earlier. “I want to know what happened, and unfortunately right now you’re the only person who might tell me.” With how many potions you’re on there might just actually be hope.

“There will be three people at fault for my death,” Severus remarked softly, “Not a one of which would be you. Perish the notion immediately. How I live and how I die will never be about you and to think otherwise is not only arrogant, it is damaging. You’ve enough on your plate without absorbing guilt for crimes that have absolutely nothing to do with you.”

Severus fell silent then, eying the boy bleakly and saying absolutely nothing to his remark on moral compasses. Even this addled by potion and magic he knew better than to open his mouth on that particular topic.

When the boy continued though, Severus’ brows rose considerably, before a laugh shocked its way out of him and he winced in its wake, his bandaged hand raising to clutch at the blanket, where beneath his lacerations ached from the muscular stress caused by the action of his amusement.

“Why Potter,” He breathed, eyes closed against the pain not even his own potions could fully overcome, “How positively Slytherin of you.” Slowly, the sting dulled to a minor ache, and he breathed easier, slowly opening his eyes to pierce the boy with his gaze, “If I didn’t know better, I would think the Dark Lord had put you up to it. Taking advantage of someone while they labor under mind altering medicinal potions is precisely the sort of thing he would do.”

Looking away, Severus wondered vaguely where Poppy had gone before remarking simply, “I displeased him. That is all you need, or would care, to know.”

Shadows of Memory

indiscretus:

~

Harry was going to walk out of here with whiplash. Of that much, he was certain. He knew he shouldn’t expect Snape to act the same as the man he was used to dealing with, but the person in front of him seemed to have nothing in common with the dungeon bat of Hogwarts, beyond an uncanny ability to ensure Harry was as off-balance as possible.

You can set memories aside so they can’t be seen during this? Harry certainly wished he’d known that the first time this had all happened. Then again, sticking everything in your head inside a pensive had to be a bad idea- but he would have been able to hide the things that were really important, at the very least.

Hearing everything phrased as questions was- incredibly strange. Even the nicer teachers at Hogwarts didn’t ask what their students thought was fair, and Harry was reminded firmly that Snape was barely out of Hogwarts himself, at this age. For him it hasn’t even been ten years since my dad did… what I saw in his memories. No wonder he looked ready to fight when I showed up in his office.

“Wait- you’re going- to let me in your mind? No- I don’t think that’s a good idea.“ That was exactly what had led to Harry seeing what he shouldn’t, and the ending of their lessons last time- though he wondered belatedly why exactly he was trying so hard to keep the lessons going. Maybe because he’s like a totally different person. Snape seemed to be actually intending to teach him, instead of simply expecting him to pick it up, and the only barbed remarks he’d made so far were the comments right after Harry had first shown up- when he’d looked like a deer ready to bolt. With all that in mind, Harry almost thought it might be worth it to give the man a chance.

“Well, it isn’t ideal, I will grant you that,” Severus agreed wryly, even as he finally managed to gain some measure of internal calm and slowly focused on his internal walls. Envisioning them as he meant to show them to another helped to, if nothing else, clear his mind of excess alarm and allow him to think more critically.

“Occlumency isn’t something that can be picked up through reading or hearing about it – and while rudimentary, emergency shielding can form under great duress, it is a crude method of protection and easily overcome. If we’re to keep out someone as adept as the Dark Lord, we’re going to have to teach you to layer your defenses and deceive him properly.“

Finally, Severus brought himself back to the chair, slowly sitting in it and frowning as he folded his hands together, propping his elbows on his knees and staring at his interlocked fingers as he considered how to explain this.

“The mind is not – a book, in which one opens at leisure and turns over memories as readily as pages. It is a collective, that works in varying levels of its own. You have surface memories, short term memories, defining memories, long term memories – and even memories buried so deep, they are beyond conscious recall. Occlumency is a means of defending each layer of the mind, but it is not – as simple as imagining some force protecting it, which is often what books describe. The visual defense is in fact the third layer of protection, behind which there is even more. It’s a very complex art and it requires a great deal of patience. It is also something easier to understand through visual learning than any other method.”

He leaned back a little, meeting the boys eyes squarely, “If I felt I couldn’t walk you through my shields in order to teach you, I would not have offered. However, I cannot command you to do so – regardless of my apparent position here, I refuse to lay down ultimatums and demands when it comes to occlumency. It’s too personal an art to be taught tyrannically – not if one means to build anything more lasting than a survivalist shield. I don’t know what my older self was thinking, though I imagine he predicted you would build something crude swiftly enough that it would be manageable while still looking as though he were serving the Dark Lord’s interests.”

Crossing his arms against the chill that shivered through him, he rationalized what he felt made sense given what information he had. “It’s not like he could build a rapport with you while your mind was open to the Dark Lord’s intrusions – and then go sit beside him and claim loyalty while refusing to capitalize on that rapport to bring you to him. He had to be aggressive – that’s the only thing that makes sense.” Because any other explanation was disgusting and made him want to make his older self bleed for daring to become the man Tobias once was.

“But,” He waved it off before it clouded his mind, making him unable to help as he needed to, “I have no such concerns, which means I can take my time and teach you properly, if you’ll allow it. However, if you would rather not, I can continue to set aside time for lessons and insist to Dumbledore you’re simply not taking well to the art, and you can se this period as study hall for other courses.”

Trust Issues

indiscretus:

@severelysnapped | cont.

Harry eyed the man laying in the hospital wing bed, trying not to think that he looked frail, layered in bandaged and disturbingly lacking in his usual sneer. He couldn’t help but wonder what the man had looked like before he’d been able to get in- though he was quite sure he didn’t want to know. “Because one way or another- no matter which side it turns out you’re on- it’s going to end up a new way to make my life more difficult.”

If Snape was on their side, then he’d probably end up dead, leaving behind a mess of difficulties that Harry would be expected to solve, and if he wasn’t, then he’d likely get at least one person killed, and Harry couldn’t survive losing anyone else. And though he wouldn’t admit it- the brief glimpse he’d caught of Snape being brought into the castle had rattled him. There had been so much blood… he’d thought the man was dead, for sure.

“No one let me in. I just strutted in like I own the place,” he quipped sarcastically, when asked how he’d gotten here- although it was technically almost true, he had simply walked in, and no one had stopped him.

Severus huffed a little at that – were he capable of it, he’d have been furious, but as it was even the mild ire he did manage at such a self-centered reply was waved away with a mild smile. “As obligated as I am to point out the world doesn’t revolve around you,” His tone lacked the venom those words typically came with, sounding no more objectionable than a comment on simple fact ( the sky is rather blue today ) and maintained the same level of calm dismissiveness as he concluded, “You are right in that my death would have an immediate impact on your life, if only in that it would seem infinitely better without me in it up until Dumbledore picks someone you actually care about to serve as his inside man.”

There was absolutely no malice in his words – Severus had known from day one that he was disposable to Dumbledore. Sixteen years in the man’s service had done absolutely nothing to change that, and the efforts Severus had put forth to keep Harry at bay had ensured the boy would rejoice at his death as surely as James and Sirius might have had they lived to observe it. ( Remus might well pour out a toast in good riddance, but he at least would have the decency not to gloat about it. )

“Of course you did,” Severus snorted, because sarcastic as Potter’s reply had been it was undeniably accurate as well. “Any particular reason? You’ll need to wait at least two hours before the potions will pull me under if your hope is to smother me,” He remarked cheerfully, rather hoping that Potter might. Heaven knew it would be a better fate than what he was currently bound to.

Shadows of Memory

indiscretus:

~

Snape’s face was oddly pale and drawn when Harry looked up, but he had little time to think on it because as soon as he gave his explanation the man said no and got up to leave. Harry’s blood practically froze in his veins, because he knew Snape hated him, he knew that, even this Snape who’d never met him hated him just because of who his father was.

Harry had come here expecting to have his mind battered until he hopefully magically gained some insight on how to keep someone out of his head, which had been bad enough, but somehow- somehow having Snape just suddenly decide that he wasn’t worth it, that he’d rather face Dumbledore’s ire than teach him. He was seconds away from blurting an apology- for what he didn’t even know, nothing in what he’d said should have set the man off, and yet- but Snape stopped, and Harry wondered if the man could hear his heartbeat, because it all but drowned out what he was saying.

“Er- I. I guess so,” He said finally, wishing there was another exit besides the one Snape was blocking, in case he needed to run. “But it- didn’t go as planned, I think. And the lessons stopped.” he added with a wince, seeming to shrink in his chair as he remembered the cold fury Snape had turned on him after what he’d seen.

Now the kid looked about as terrified and miserable as Severus felt, though how he had managed to ever appear fine with the Dark Lord in his mind was – utterly beyond comprehension. Suppressing a shudder, Severus could only imagine why they had stopped – frankly a part of him didn’t even want to know.

After a time, he let out a slow breath and cautiously stepped closer as his mind rushed through his options. He couldn’t serve as a spy now – there was no way he would be anything but a risk with his situation being what it was now. Which meant he probably could afford to teach this kid properly – and seeing as he was tied to his lot it would certainly be the wisest decision all things told. The less the Dark Lord knew of him the better – though he doubted it would be so easy.

One way or another, I am going to die here, Severus realized, the acknowledgement coming to him quite calmly and with little more fanfare than a sense of absolute certainty. He lacked the sixteen years of preparation necessary to survive whatever games Dumbledore already had him bound to, and with the mark on his arm there was no way for him to truly escape. He would be found, no matter where he went.

The only thing he had was his own promise – he’d failed Lily, obviously, but maybe he could use what time he had left to at least try and help out her son.

Resolution settled on his features, and he sighed. “Alright then – we’re going to have to start from the beginning. Generally speaking occlumency lessons require trust – something I daresay we both lack in one another,” He mused, opting to pace rather than return to his seat.

“I’ll procure a pensieve from Dumbledore for the next lesson, and teach you how to separate memory into it so that anything you don’t want me seeing even by accident is stowed away. After which I’ll walk you through how to create your shields. Today, I suppose we may as well start with showing you mine – we can work on basic theory for a bit, and set the time for the next lesson. Sound fair?”

It occurred to him belatedly he was a teacher, not a tutor, and he could have just phrased it as a command – but that wouldn’t be conducive to what he needed to teach. They needed to work together, or they’d fail.

Shadows of Memory

indiscretus:

~

Harry’s lips thinned as Snape seemed to come to his own conclusion that it had been his own- or at least his older self’s- fault that Harry was clueless, and for that he didn’t know whether to be grateful or afraid. For a second he stared hard at a point just beyond Snape’s elbow- not totally looking at the floor, but not anywhere he could be perceived as being cheeky or defiant, either. Finally, he raised his head, and made an attempt at explaining things in such a way that he wasn’t throwing blame on Snape- because the last thing he needed was more lectures on how he never took responsibility for anything.

“The lessons were very short notice. I think, under the circumstances, it might have been thought that I’d be better off learning from direct experience than focusing on the details, as Voldemort’s thoughts were just popping into my head unannounced.” And his refusal to pick it up properly had gotten Sirius killed.

Severus felt something ugly twist inside of him at the way
Potter looked at him without actually looking at him. He recognized that kind of submission, but it had never been delivered
to him before. It left him feeling chilled and vaguely nauseated as his hands
tightened on the arms of the chair to keep himself steady.

He acts like he
expects me to explode, The acknowledgement might have been entertaining
were it not for the fact this wasn’t James,
by any stretch. Worse, that fear hadn’t been put there by him. It had been put there by a man far older – likely bigger – who
should damn well know better. How did I
live like this? Why did I decide becoming my father was a good method of
survival? I didn’t kill that son of a bitch just so I could become him!

The relief when Potter finally met his eyes was all but
palpable, but the words that followed stilled all thought for a good half a
second before Severus simply stood up and stated flatly, “Nope.” And headed for
the door.

Oh sure, let’s have
the person who has to sit beside the
Dark Lord enter the mind of the person he most wants dead and show him how to keep the Dark Lord out of said mind! That sounds wonderfully like a way to lose the
spy, not to mention the kid – what was Dumbledore thinking?!

Severus stopped at the door. What – what was
Dumbledore thinking?

I’ve been occluding
since before I came to Hogwarts – he knew that, because he couldn’t pierce me
with those occasional snobby looks over his glasses he’d level my way, Severus
mused thoughtfully, And I successfully deceived
the Dark Lord – obviously or I wouldn’t be here. So maybe he thought I could do
it. One thing was for sure, Severus was disposable – it was easier to risk
him than risk whatever plots were hatching within Dumbledore’s own mind.

Turning back to Potter, Severus held up a hand, then, “Let
me see if I have this right. The Dark Lord – simply waltzes through your mind
on occasion, and my job was to make that stop as expediently as possible
without, at any point, indicating to the
Dark Lord in your head that I might, maybe, not be one hundred percent
loyal.” Learn by experience – “So I –
what, smashed against your skull repeatedly in the hopes survival instinct
would kick in?”

Shitty as it sounded that actually did sound a bit like a solution he’d come up with in the heat of Oh fuck no.

Shadows of Memory

indiscretus:

~

Harry didn’t like being forced to walk in front of the man- it felt like he was being directed towards an executioner’s block, instead of to a lesson that was only half as bad. He knew though, that if he kept glancing over his shoulder like it was a nervous twitch, he’d likely hear some sort of venom on the subject, so he forced himself to stare straight ahead until they got to the classroom, and he was directed to sit.

Looking around with a vague sense of nervousness and confusion, he did as he was told, though the blank look on his face when he was asked about where he was at spoke volumes, and he forced himself to answer evenly despite the realisation that this was only going to be worse than before- before Snape had just yelled at him a lot and broken into his mind. Now he was going to make Harry feel stupid while he did it. “I’m sorry- I’m afraid I don’t know any of that, yet.” There was no point in pointing out that it was Snape’s fault if he was supposed to know these things and didn’t- that would just make the man mad, and Harry most certainly wanted to avoid that.

That expression boded ill, and the answer left Severus in a state of confusion. Nobody was that stupid – okay well, maybe some – but as much of a cretin as Potter had been, the son of a bitch had been nothing short of clever about it. Lily, of course, was a genius – between the two, they couldn’t have produced a moron, which lead to the fact it had to have been the teaching methods.

“I have a feeling I am going to regret asking this,” He muttered quietly, before forging ahead anyway, “Did I – at any point – explain the nature of occlusion, how to obtain peace of mind, what meditation’s purpose is or even, for that matter, what shields are made of?”

If this all lead to a heaping pile of nothing, he would have to start from lower than scratch – he would have to clean up whatever mess his older self made first and that just sounded – daunting.

Shadows of Memory

indiscretus:

~

Comfortable? I’m pretty sure that’s the last concern, here. Not that Harry was going to point that out in any way- admitting he didn’t know something was admitting a weakness, around Snape, and he didn’t want it harped on for weeks afterward just because the git hadn’t managed to teach him anything the first time. He also didn’t say that if anyone could learn it from a book, it’d be Hermione, and she could do a far better job teaching Harry than Snape could.

And that was only in part because any snark he could have made was cut rather short by the fact that Snape said ass and then called his own office the ‘office of the doomed’. Harry certainly felt doomed- or like reality was crumbling beneath him.

“Er- study hall, if you’re really giving me the choice, sir.” Best to be on his best behaviour until he had a better idea of how Snape would be going about things- especially considering he seemed to have as little clue as to what to do as Harry did, Harry would guess that he’d be very volatile. Best not to make that worse and risk getting hexed on top of everything else.

Severus stared at Potter for a long moment, mostly trying to figure out if that sir had been mocking or not, and ultimately deciding he didn’t care for it either way. He thinned his lips a little, but in the end he ushered the teenager onward to the fourth floor, locking the office door behind him almost as an afterthought.

Once they were in a suitable classroom, Severus waved over a couple of chairs to rest by the window, so that they could at least sit in sunlight. He was banished to the dark halls of this castle once more, and with winter settling in bright days like this would grow more and more scarce. He wanted to enjoy what he could before the sensation of imprisonment truly settled into his bones again.

It’s not as bad as Azkaban, He supposed, but that was a pretty low bar. Taking a seat, Severus motioned for Potter to do the same before asking simply, “Since I had no idea this was even a thing, mind telling me where you’re at in your shielding?” He’d rather ask than probe, honestly. “I imagine you have a rudimentary design by now – have you done secondary or tertiary shielding and redirects yet?”