rather personal vent under the cut because i am quietly losing my mind and its bubbled over to a point im not doing well and i need to put this down in words in one fucking spot so im not repeating myself again and again and again. this is why i have been so fucking quiet.

triggering content under the cut.

1. i work in a news station as security – one of the things about the business is “if it bleeds, it leads” – and our latest lead comes from the fact a 4 year old was run over by a parade float in a small town adjacent to my city. although this was leading news last week its been devastating for the community and comes up a lot at work in between some horrendous fucking political shit im not getting into. this is my work climate – grief and anger.

2. my sister’s boyfriend has now been in the hospital for 15 days and is not due out until monday at the earliest and thats provided there is no further infection in him. long story short its been hell from day one – first they wouldnt operate cause they thought they could treat it with antibiotics – it only got bigger so they were forced to operate – the boys family and friends are fucking garbage with the exception of his lil brother who is still in high school and has not yet learned how to be a piece of trash like his mom or something.

3. my sister is undergoing 6 different kinds of crisis – between her boyfriend. seasonal affect & other mental illnesses, career implosions and a turn toward suicidal ideology & various breakdowns my focus has been on keeping things AS NORMAL AND CALM AS POSSIBLE for her because she is spiraling out of control and she needs stability BADLY so I have no time for my own issues right now. i just dont. this is not me complaining about her btw this is me explaining where she is at, consequently my position, and finally why I have been so shit at supporting my friends these past two weeks.

i just dont have the fucking energy and im sorry. im short tempered at best and downright mute elsewise. if its not light and rp related it feels like too fucking much right now. im low key in overload. i will push through and things will calm down i just need more time before i can be my usual self. right now i have to be a pillar for my family and as much as i love my friends that has to come first.

4. i will be helping my sister quit the job she fought and justified to get for herself, the one she really wanted, because she just cant handle it. i’ve had very little sleep today so i cannot promise i will be useful or present.

i dont know what the weekend holds but im probably going to the hospital to spend time with the sister and her boyfriend. at this point he’s my brother now and im just going to have to start punching people in the throat so he can have some entertainment but also some goddamn peace.

so thats life for holmes rn.

edit: on top of this ive also had a dental disaster; booked my own dental surgery ( thankfully not til march 5th though there was a scare i would have t figure it out for monday ) been struggling with a minor financial crisis and in general have been having my own mental flare ups and repressing like the badass bitch i am so woo /o/

B- Broken- what it takes to break them, C- Can’t- one thing that they can’t do in life/refuse to do, J- Jealous- how easily they get jealous

{ Alphabetical Headcanons }

B- Broken- what it takes to break them

Honestly – it takes a lot. Severus has walked through hell the better majority of his life and the list of things that have truly, genuinely broken him are alarmingly short. For a man as depressed and suicidal as he can be, he has a ferocious amount of spite that keeps him running in a lot of cases – and when spite isn’t enough, he has either desensitization or violence to compensate with.

To give an idea of what it takes to break this man, here’s a list of the things that have successfully managed to destroy him:

His mother’s death when he was sixteen, compounded with the awareness they could have afforded her care if his father hadn’t drank the money away. That, and the fact that he was responsible for burning her corpse because they couldn’t afford a funeral all added up to Severus turning sectumsempra on himself and ultimately being kept from death by the timely intervention of Destin Wilkes and later, Poppy Pomfrey.
Finding that his father had destroyed or sold what little his mother held dear, thus ultimately resulting in Severus killing the man. He was nineteen at the time.
Destin’s death when he was twenty. The man turned rogue on a raid and started attacking fellow Death Eaters before the aurors showed up. He was taken down by a violent curse and Severus nearly died trying to save him.
Lily’s death when he was twenty one, resulting in him committing himself to a life of subterfuge with no guarantee it would pay off.
Learning about the abuses one of his Slytherins was facing, thus resulting in Severus straight up murdering the father of one of his students. He was twenty five.
Eric’s death in the second war when he challenged Voldemort and was literally ripped apart by Greyback. Severus was made to show his allegiance was unshaken, after which he had to tell Lucas what happened and got into a righteously violent fight while heavily disadvantaged that nearly got him killed. After the violence, it was the first time Severus cried since Lily’s death – he was thirty four at the time.
Being asked to kill Albus Dumbledore and secure his role at Voldemort’s side in so doing.
Being told Harry has to die so that the war may be won.

C- Can’t- one thing that they can’t do in life/refuse to do

Forgive himself.

J- Jealous- how easily they get jealous

Honestly it depends on what the situation is? Sometimes he is 0-60 in seven seconds flat and other times it takes him eight years to even realize he should, maybe, perhaps, object around here somewhere.

S-N-A-P-E

{ Alphabetical Headcanons }

S- STRENGTH- where they find their strength

Coffee, mostly. Some days it really is that hollow – he has built routines that he follows by rote, and there are things he does every morning that are like goals. Each and every day, Severus has to convince himself that getting out of bed and living another day is worth it – that there’s a point to doing so.

Some days are easier than others. Hell some days he doesn’t really have to struggle beyond it’s sunny outside or something equally inane and simple that indicates he’s in a positive swing. Depression is on the downlow, he can function normally, and the first thing he does after getting dressed is enjoy a coffee in the sunlight.

Other days are tougher. Sometimes he has to go through a whole mantra of reasons to get up – ranging from the positive, to the annoying, to the grim and upsetting. In the end, on those days, the controlling factor is, figure it out after coffee.

Getting up for that coffee – that’s the trick. Its his reward for getting up. Its his reason for getting up. It’s not much, but it works – and in the end, that is all that matters.

N- NEGLIGENCE- what they can be negligent about

Appearance and self care, honestly. He’s generally on top of everything else, but he literally doesn’t give a shit about himself so…

A-AROUSAL- what gets them aroused quickest

That’s a mindswitch that’s worthy of whiplash, wow. Honestly though, it really depends on the situation and who Severus is with? In some cases it might be praise, in others it might be a kiss to his neck. It’s extremely situational so I don’t really have a straight answer for it.

I can state that with @forgedinflame ( who is? the only active ship on the blog anyway ) all it takes is being picked up and set on the counter – that usually means being held and kissed for awhile, so you could say he’s been conditioned to respond positively

¯_(ツ)_/¯

P- PERSISTENT- how persistent can they be about something

Severus is more stubborn than a Hungarian Horntail have you met this man? When he sets his heels in the only people who can make him budge are the literal gods of the magical world, Albus Dumbledore or Lord Voldemort. The two top bitches of the United Kingdom each have a firm grip on the shock collar remote and Severus knows how to play good puppy when he has to. Other than that, good luck setting him off his path once he sets his mind to something.

E- EAGER- something they are eager to do in life

Sleep. Honestly this man just wants to rest and not wake up, and know that if he doesn’t – it’ll be okay. He just wants to go knowing he did what he was supposed to, canon wise. Main verse – well, I guess you could say he’s learning how to live, and find passion, find reason to continue.